I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Randomize
