man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize