Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Randomize
