naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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