I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
