I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
