that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
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