If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
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