dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
