just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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