Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
