I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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