I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
