i can't believe i had my finger in that
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Randomize
