Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
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omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
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the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
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