Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Randomize
