3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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