He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
