Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
