Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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