I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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