So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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