Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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