I like to think it a success when the cops are called
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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