you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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