i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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