I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
