Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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