I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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