A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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