I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
