fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
My vagina is officially offended.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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