Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Randomize
