Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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