My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
