I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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