I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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