u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Randomize
