it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
