She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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