If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
