My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
