If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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