He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
