there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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