I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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