Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
