everyone is single if you try hard enough
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Randomize
