I could have mohawked her pubes.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
