were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
