Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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