You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
