I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
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I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
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I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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