So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
